*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
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Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
The Struggle
Stonehinge
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
happy valentine’s day to me
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I am all good here, 😂😉
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.