HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
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I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Good morning y’all ☀️
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”