Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
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Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway