[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
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“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Netflix and you sit over there.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Breaking news:
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.