I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
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when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right