Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
You Might Also Like
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying