Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
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Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
There is no “we” in pizza
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️