me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
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When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Donating blood today to make room for more food
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Quadruple digit IQ
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts