I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
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*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Home is where your toilet is.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”