*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
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Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.