Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
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ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.