I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
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doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.