Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
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Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.