Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
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Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk