This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
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[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
When someone says you are so lazy
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.