I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
You Might Also Like
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Sooo many times…..
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.