Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
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anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
The Joker was right
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]