“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
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two people or more is called a problem
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
🏙👨🏼
Usage Guidelines
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.