why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
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An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess