GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
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me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
yeah no that’s fair
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
liiiiiiiiike
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Admin smashed it 😂
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”