*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
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If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!