Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
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USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*