Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
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Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.