Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
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Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
smartest karate player in the world
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
this isn’t threatening at all
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping