[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
You Might Also Like
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
This makes total sense…
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.