“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
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A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
sigh
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
School be like
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.