Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
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I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Lmbo
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning