As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
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Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza