If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Brilliant!
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
My inexpensive home security system…
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?