sugar glider wrangler
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“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Always 🥴
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.