Eating my way out of the ball pit.
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[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?