*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
You Might Also Like
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
*launders Kohls cash*
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Cause of death: Zumba
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan