GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
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Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for