Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
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You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
buying dead houseplants to save time
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY