I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
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Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.