Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
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Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend