Last-minute gift idea!
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“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
True.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO