The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
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If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
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did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)