[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
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Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
The real reason evolution started..😂