Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
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Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes