Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
You Might Also Like
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.