[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
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I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.