Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
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Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.