I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
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If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant