My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
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run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
#Caturday
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I thought this was funny lol
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story