Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
You Might Also Like
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”