What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
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How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.