chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
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[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
It’s an epidemic…
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Air pods looking like an angry frog
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
best first i’ve ever seen
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa