I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
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What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
No. YOU-buprofen.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Sunday
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
⛄️
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
craving $300 all of a sudden
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.