“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
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I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up